god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
