I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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