You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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