I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
