I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
