I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
