he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
