Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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