she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
The adults are the big ones right?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize