she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
