also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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