Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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