i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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