u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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