Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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