how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
