I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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