my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
