Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
