so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
