dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
