Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
