you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
