The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
