He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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