I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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