I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Green mimosas i think yes
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
