I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
