So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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