I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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