I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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