do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
