How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
