i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
