I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
