My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
