I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
