party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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