ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
