I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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