Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
