the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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