I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
