I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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