I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
