I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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