Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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