Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
