My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
