Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Even my vagina gasped.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
