I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize