i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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