You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
