And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
