I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
